Lumina (2024)

0 Stars

Taken A-Hack

By Jeffrey M. Anderson

A possible contender to join the infamous list of the Worst Movies of All Time, Gino McKoy's sci-fi tale Lumina seems to be earnest, but is actually inept and laughable, due to bad writing, acting, FX, and more.

Wealthy Alex (Rupert Lazarus) throws a party for his friends. His girlfriend Tatiana (Eleanor Williams) reluctantly plays hostess. Old friend Delilah (Andrea Tivadar), who is in love with Alex, keeps hoping for a chance with him, while their friend Patricia (Sidney Nicole Rogers) tries to keep the peace.

Suddenly, there's a flash and some noise. A window is blasted out and the lawn catches on fire. And Tatiana is gone without a trace. Some time later, conspiracy theory nut George (Ken Lawson) tries to convince Alex to go out and find her. But it's a dangerous mission, as the friends may be going up against powerful secret agents, or malevolent aliens, or worse.

As in The Room, the characters in Lumina seem to be trying to be honest and open with one another, and they're all supposed to be best pals, helping each other out on this adventure, but their behavior is erratic and even rude, and they all wind up being unpleasant.

Alex is arguably the most painful, spending at least 30 minutes of the running time yowling in agony (and growing a big, bushy beard) over the loss of his girlfriend, rather than getting the story going. But Delilah is a close second, ready to backstab anyone for a chance at her rich dream boy. And George is a third-rate Chris Tucker knock-off, a squeaky-voiced comic sidekick who seems entirely out of place.

Eric Roberts appears briefly in a bizarre role as a man who (maybe?) knows something about aliens, and wears a cowboy duster and a fedora for some reason.

Their dialogue is right out of an Ed Wood movie, with lines like "going on a wild witch hunt" or "they got in there and they put stuff in there that wasn't there before." And, like Battlefield Earth, it cluelessly attempts to wow us with its ridiculous monsters and monotone sets. And, honestly, I more or less lost the thread of what was going on during the last reel.

The best thing about Lumina is that it's unintentionally and funny (and weird in a bad way), and, like Showgirls, Sharknado, and others, it could pivot its awfulness toward becoming a cult classic to people who love it for what it is.